How to ascertain if my boyfriend is homosexual

In the event that the notion has ever crossed your mind, &8220;I believe my boyfriend is gay&8221;&8230; this article is for you.

This is a topic that I've contemplated composing a piece on for a considerable duration. Why? Because I once dated a gentleman who possessed everything I had ever desired, until… I unearthed something that perpetually altered the very foundation upon which our relationship was constructed.

I was once that woman, who didn&8217;t know how to act or where to turn. A girl who found herself in the dead of night Googling, &8220;Is he gay? Is my boyfriend gay? I think my boyfriend is gay&8221; while he was sound asleep adjacent to me &8211; appearing the least bit homosexual. I'd never had a connection with someone like this prior. It couldn't be. But then again, why did I find what I found on his phone?

Not only did I not find anything of value from my Google searches, but I actually encountered a plethora of drivel out there which, personally, I deem as extremely disrespectful to the gay community. &8220;If he associates with males,&8221; &8220;If he invests more time in styling his hair than you do,&8221; &8220;If he dances flamboyantly (I am clueless about what that even signifies),&8221; &8220;If he's overly concerned with his hygiene,&8221; etc.

Since when did being overly concerned about your hygiene become a negative attribute, let alone a gay trait?

And, to be frank, these "indicators," were not only insulting to the gay community but also to the man in question, the had-me-ovulating-at-&8220;hello&8221;-George-Clooney-look-alike-Wolf-of-Wall-Street-for-real-Dos-Equis-commercial-most-intriguing-playboy-women-magnet man that I was courting displayed none of those "signs."

I desired to pen this post for any woman out there who is or has ever discovered herself in this predicament.

I aspired to illuminate this subject in the most candidly honest and respectful manner possible: by imparting my personal narrative so that perhaps… just maybe one of you out there feels less isolated.

So, how did I arrive at that point on that particular night? &8211; with my potentially gay (?) but completely straight (??) boyfriend slumbering beside me while I was desperately searching…

&8220;I think my boyfriend is gay. Is my boyfriend gay&8221;

In the distant past, in what now seems like a galaxy far, far away, I was involved with a handsome emotionally unavailable man with whom, no matter what, I never felt like I had "all" of.

Whether it be his attention, affection, or commitment, I never felt like I fully possessed it all with him.

&8220;Is he gay? Is my boyfriend gay?&8221; Ummm&8230; no. He embodied the ultimate guy&8217;s guy. I remain convinced to this day that he served as the inspiration for the Dos Equis man. This man had everything.

He was widely recognized and possessed the world within the confines of his grasp. He was the individual that every man desired to be and befriend. He was fluent in multiple languages, savored the finest cigars, had traveled extensively, provided for his Mother financially (and telephoned her daily simply because), volunteered in third-world nations, and still gazed at the world with the kind of wonder that one only witnesses in a child's eyes on Christmas. With the most infectious laughter and charisma, he was a walking attention magnet. He had a knack for making people feel as though they could achieve anything (except be as cool as him or gain any form of emotional access to him). He maintained everyone at an emotional arm&8217;s length. I suppose that's where the allure originated.

We had been enduring a turbulent period. The weekend before, he had flown a few of his companions from his hometown for what was described as a &8220;golfing excursion.&8221; In reality, they didn't golf. He took them all to strip clubs, dispensing thousands on lap dances for everyone. He'd been friends with these guys for years. They were all married with children, with the exception of him. He was the perennial bachelor, and I was the fortunate one that the &8220;selective,&8221; ideal man had been holding out for. I recall feeling so insecure when I learned about the lap dances. It devastated me. Something just didn't feel right about that weekend. Maybe because even though he eventually responded to my texts on Sunday night, I felt such a distance… I felt as though there was some type of unknown threat.

So, there I was. At 3:19 am sifting through his phone while he was sleeping next to me. (I'm not proud of violating his privacy; there is no justification for that, but I did it).

To my astonishment, I didn't uncover a single disrespectful text, unusual number, photograph, or anything of the sort. I found so many items on his phone that caused me to disregard his remoteness. He had all of his text logs open and spoke so highly of me to everyone. My presence permeated his phone in the most positive manner.

Then, just as I was about to place the phone back in the exact position he left it in, I accessed his internet and a ton of reality came crashing down. My entire body began to tremble. I discovered numerous tabs of gay pornography. &8220;Is he gay?&8221; I pondered. &8220;There&8217;s no way. This must be some error.

The subsequent morning, following his departure for work, I telephoned my closest male friend, as I knew he wouldn't disclose anything and would be truthful with me. &8220;I think my boyfriend is gay. Is he gay? Is this normal?&8221; I queried. &8220;Natasha, I'd rather stare directly into the sun than gaze at gay pornography.&8221;

However, that wasn't sufficient for me. There was no possibility that this man, my man, my everything… was gay. There were no tell-tale indications, we experienced remarkable passion, and there was simply no way.

So, I proceeded to my gay male friend. &8220;Is he gay?&8221; I asked. &8220;Well, I can confidently assert that he's not heterosexual.&8221; I still didn't believe it. I knew this guy cherished and was drawn to women excessively. I mean, he was the lap dance aficionado. The ultimate wingman/ladies man.

I kept the secret to myself, and I never divulged what I had found. Despite his emotional bankruptcy, I reached the stage where I comprehended that irrespective of his sexual orientation, this was a man grappling with significant pain and experiencing an immense amount of shame. I never desired to embarrass or humiliate him. I did, nevertheless, following numerous tears and dot-connecting, formulate my own interpretation of our shared time under the stars. I am not proposing that this is applicable to every man whose girlfriend is pondering, &8220;is he gay?&8221; yet it aided in providing me closure and making sense of what I discovered on his phone.

Is he gay? Here's a compilation of what I've gleaned…

I am not, nor will I ever be, nor do I ever desire to be at liberty to determine anyone's orientation. All I can do is support myself, be conscious of my own orientation, and protect myself. I recognized that I lacked the right to respond to &8220;is he gay?&8221; or to definitively label him one way or another.
I surmise that the reason he delighted in introducing me to his male friends and "showing me off" (which completely fulfilled my validation-seeking self), was due to the attention I garnered from other men. It was his method of inadvertently arousing other men. The same went for visiting strip clubs and purchasing lap dances for all the guys. It's an environment where other men are aroused, and he still got to be the playboy, masterminding it all.
He pressed for marriage and a family with me, but when it came down to it, he botched the relationship right before it reached that juncture. He enjoyed the concept of all of that because it would negate his internal struggles, but he was incapable of bringing himself to do it.
I believe he was sexually attracted to males but romantically drawn to females. That's as far as I opted to make sense of it.
He was excessively religious, excessively masculine, excessively known, excessively everything to ever even investigate what he was doing such a masterful job of masking.
He had alluded to childhood trauma. When individuals do this, they are typically only hinting at a small fraction of the trauma they experienced.
I realized that attempting to make him my psychological case study was a poor decision. His private affairs were NONE of mine. He was human, and so was I. This transcended "us."
It was too intricate of a puzzle for me to persist in attempting to decipher. It was challenging enough trying to get him to be emotionally accessible, but exclusively heterosexual? I understood that it wasn't a conflict for me to engage in.

People cannot help but communicate who they are.

If you ever find yourself, even momentarily, genuinely pondering, &8220;is he gay?&8221; it's time to make a dignified exit with grace. Refrain from humiliating anyone, regardless of how humiliated you feel. We are all engaged in our own battles.

The one thing that you will never be able to rival is someone's predilections.

If you're wondering, &8220;is he gay?&8221; just that wonder alone will prevent you from ever being in an exclusive relationship with this man. It will always be a perpetual threesome: you, him, and his unmentionable preference, whatever that may be.

You are deserving of a mutual relationship in which the fundamental preferences ALIGN &8211; emotionally and sexually.

PS. A friend perused this post and conveyed to me that I was &8220;homophobic&8221; for having an issue with my boyfriend potentially, not being heterosexual. This friend is entitled to their own viewpoint, but I never want that word and my name to be in the same sentence. I possess the UTMOST respect for ALL orientations and genders. My friend failed to grasp that there exists a distinction between preference and prejudice. And we are ALL entitled to wanting to be with a partner who shares the same preferences that we do, if that's what we desire. I have numerous friends who are gay and struggling with their partner being bisexual. It's okay, we are all human and, as long as we are compassionate and not prejudiced or hateful (which I have no tolerance for), I'm fully supportive of sharing my experiences if it implies even a single person feeling less alone in this world.

Written by: Natasha