What is the meaning of 'side' in gay terminology?

Being a gay man, a particular inquiry has been posed to me by both inquisitive strangers and prospective partners with a frequency that surpasses my lifetime consumption of warm meals.

Specifically, the question is, 'Are you a top or a bottom?'

Language is what motivates me to rise each day, and indeed, when spoken by suitable individuals at opportune moments, phrases have likewise been recognized for their capacity to draw me into intimacy. 

However, given that neither of these designations - that is to say, 'top' or 'bottom' - precisely characterizes my inclinations within the private chambers, my rejoinder has invariably consisted of a hesitant blend of shoulder shrugging and indistinct murmuring.

Allow me to reveal the truth: I am, in fact, a 'side', a descriptor originated by the American psychotherapist and sexologist Joe Kort to classify individuals, such as myself, for whom sexual penetration - irrespective of the specific role - offers minimal gratification. 

Involving the 'peach,' quite frankly, entails literal discomfort; however, concerning the 'aubergine,' it is best stated that manual and oral explorations invariably comprehend the objective far more effectively. 

Extending the culinary analogy, should same-sex intimacy be likened to a formal dinner, my preference would decidedly not be to partake in an uninspired main course, especially when the appetizers prove immensely delightful. 

It is true that during my twenties, I partook in a considerable amount of sexual activity - specifically, penetrative acts. 

Curiously, it required an inordinate amount of time for me to comprehend that what is conventionally termed 'foreplay' registers, for my personal experience, as immeasurably more arousing than coitus itself; and upon this realization, the swift accumulation of my 'body count' was abruptly halted. 

It transpires that the 'A-gays' (a designation my friend employs for the self-appointed queer gatekeepers - in essence, our community's exceptionally spiteful 'mean girls') frequently possess an aversion to males whose sexual interests exclude anal penetration. 

They merely fail to comprehend. Should I receive a pound for each instance I was blocked on Grindr subsequent to disclosing my disinterest in penetrative sexual activity, I would undoubtedly be in a position to acquire a lavish estate adjacent to Lady Gaga's residence. 

Upon my initial download of the application in two thousand nine, I remained entirely uninformed regarding the concept of ‘sides' as it pertained to sexual preferences, my understanding limited to the culinary accompaniments like potato wedges and coleslaw served with my fried chicken. 

Consequently, I simply presumed that an inherent flaw resided within me, an assumption that unfortunately transported me directly back to the hidden adolescent period I had long since surmounted.

Within his seminal article published in two thousand thirteen, Joe Kort asserted that males who do not align with the overly simplistic top-bottom categorization 'are entitled to their own distinct designation'. 

Indeed, that is entirely correct for us. 

To any individuals who might presume that ‘side' represents merely a term, I must inform you that such an assumption is mistaken. This concept embodies considerably more than a simple word - it serves as an enabler of affiliation

A period of nine years subsequent to Kort's publication elapsed before I, at the age of thirty-eight, personally became aware of this transformative classification. 

The revelation came to me in May of two thousand twenty-two, coinciding with Grindr's incorporation of ‘side' as an option for users to indicate on their respective profiles. 

This momentous alteration permeated news reports extensively, prompting me to pursue the clues until I ascertained the underlying rationale. 

The profound sense of alleviation that enveloped me upon discovering Kort's novel concept felt utterly transformative; indeed, even after a span of ninety days, I continue to revel in the illumination of my pivotal realization.

At long last, a classification I can mark with conviction, filling it completely.

To any individuals who might presume that ‘side' represents merely a term, I must inform you that such an assumption is mistaken. This concept embodies considerably more than a simple word - it serves as an enabler of affiliation. Humanity, by its very nature, tends to be gregarious, possessing an innate drive to establish rapport with individuals from particular associations. 

Should others ostracize us due to a perceived inability to 'belong,' our psychological health frequently takes flight, metaphorically departing into the bleak and frigid darkness of night, declining to return for an extended period. 

Permit me to clarify one point: I have consistently been utterly indifferent to the opinions of heterosexual individuals concerning me, or indeed regarding the activities that transpire in my private life. 

Nonetheless, it presents a dismal prospect to be regarded as an outcast by certain members within one's own community - an environment ostensibly designated as secure and devoid of condemnation. 

It has come to my attention that certain members among my male gay counterparts can exhibit brutality, disparaging us 'sideys' as being uninteresting and emotionally cold - or, even more gravely, accusing us of harboring internalized homophobia. 

Although the assertion that intimacy ceases to be sexual without penetration constitutes nothing more than an abundance of heteronormative, patriarchal nonsense, it nonetheless remains distressing to realize that a portion of your queer contemporaries perceive you as inferior merely because your interpretation of gratification diverges from the norm. 

Fortunately, I am blessed with a highly supportive enduring partner. Undoubtedly, he is a treasure, as he has never once ridiculed my predilections nor compelled me to, ahem, make a sacrifice for the collective. 

The efficacy of Grindr's proactive measures in eradicating 'side stigma' has yet to be determined.

Currently, however, I take immense pride in my affiliation with a significantly more select group - comprising just two individuals - within which my partner empowers me to experience complete freedom to express my authentic self. 

And this reality is more delightful than I had ever conceived. 

Do you possess a narrative you'd like to disclose? You are invited to establish contact by dispatching an electronic mail to jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

Please convey your perspectives in the section designated for comments hereunder.

ADDITIONAL READING: Being a gay individual, I had previously held the conviction that athletic pursuits were not for me - yet currently, I serve as a personal trainer for the LGBT+ collective.

FURTHER READING: ‘How Should I Inform My Parents of My Homosexuality?'

SEE ALSO: Refrain from presuming that individuals with cognitive impairments are unaware of their sexual orientation - I am unequivocally homosexual.