Gay gymnastics

By Joey Bonanno

When you think of a premier athlete, the words that might leap to mind incorporate strength, force, masculinity, and mettle. Every young sportsperson wants to possess these attributes. Yet when confronted with preconceptions and stigmas about what it signifies to be gay, many young athletes become hesitant to be themselves, to pursue their dream. I believe that the apprehension of non-acceptance from one's family and squad, in conjunction with the desire to safeguard the reputation of one's sport, constitutes a driving factor behind the reluctance of gay athletes to come out.

I recall the day I requested my mother to enroll me in gymnastics. I was executing cartwheels and dashing around my mother's dance studio. I harbored an obsession with backflips and was resolute in my intention to learn one. Little did I know my yearning to master a backflip would swiftly transform into so much more. It rapidly became my life, my ardor, and the essence of who I am presently. I hail from a family of four, born and bred in Fitchburg, Massachusetts. I was blessed with exceptional parents—my mother, a dance studio proprietor, and my father, a musician. With the impact of an artistic family, the worth of ardor perpetually flowed within my veins. Growing up in one of the most taxing sports imaginable, alongside a rigorous training regimen, was challenging enough on its own. Feeling different and ashamed of who I truly was rendered it ten times more complicated. My high school existence was absorbed by gymnastics— and I possessed a scant understanding of who I was at my core outside of the sport.

Once I accepted my sexuality, I repressed my soul with everything I had. I poured every ounce of my energy into gymnastics — into achieving perfection in all facets of my existence. I did everything in my capacity to strive and alter who I was. Growing up in gymnastics, people were always protective of the masculinity of the sport. I constantly feared that if I were open, I would ruin the reputation of Men's gymnastics. I remember pondering, 'why me,' and that being gay was something that diminished value from my existence and something I had to offset. I recall several instances during my junior and senior years of high school, driving home following a late practice, sensing a profound emptiness. I struggled to see how my life could improve or how somebody like me could be embraced and someday experience a life of happiness. Before I perceived being gay as my gift, it initially seemed like a monstrous burden.

College gymnastics was perpetually my childhood aspiration. The vision that I might contend for a Division One school is what motivated me in the morning and enabled me to persevere; it gave me purpose on my most difficult days. Subsequent to my very initial visit to Ohio State, my heart was set. For the first time in my life, I observed an openly gay athlete on the squad. I comprehended how valuable he was, not merely for his gymnastics, but for who he was as an individual. I perceived somebody like myself who accomplished what I had aimed to accomplish, and this was monumental for me. My freshman year of college, I was incredibly hard on myself. Not only did I feel I had to prove my value on the team as an athlete without a scholarship, but I also felt I had to compensate for my worth with perfectionism in academics. In that year, I invested all my concentration into academics and gymnastics and exerted myself. I relegated the fact that I was gay to the recesses of my psyche and diverted myself with hard work. By the midpoint of the season during my sophomore year, I hit rock bottom and depression consumed me. I was stressed beyond description with school; I was battling to make the lineup and execute my routines, and on top of it all, I felt worthless at my core.

I remember the subsequent competition at Penn State where I experienced a revelation. I grasped that I'd endured sufficient pain, ample suffering, and it was the opportune moment to own myself and seize command of my existence. I channeled this very energy into my gymnastics and I swiftly transformed. I recognized my worth and liberated myself from the hatred I'd felt for myself throughout my life. I validated that my agony was authentic and that I merited success. My gymnastics gradually became more assertive, as though I was claiming what I deserved. My season started to improve, and I found myself on the floor and vault lineup for the 2017 NCAA championships. I recall meandering through the arena at championships, absorbing the experience and flourishing in the notion that I got there by being myself. On the day of team finals, I relied solely on my training and the power of my genuineness. I walked into the packed arena, repeating in my head repeatedly, "I'm Joey Bonanno, I'm gay, and I'm worthy." Over and over, I repeated this mantra in my head, cathartically releasing any negativity or hesitation within my mind. It was nearly my turn to initiate the floor routine, and I strode up onto the podium, bursting with self-assurance. I remember rapping a Nicki Minaj verse in my head with as much intensity as possible, blocking out any insidious doubt. The next thing I knew, I executed the most incredible routine of my life. Not only did I depart that arena realizing the power my authenticity possessed, but also as an NCAA All-American on floor and second-place runner-up with my team. I hope this underscores the power of authenticity. I recognized being gay as something I am incredibly proud of. It is what makes me unique and enables me to stand out from others. Through unwavering self-acceptance of who I was, my confidence soared, and my athletic prowess took off. By recognizing my inherent worth, I was able to draw assurance from my truth and perform without any shackles holding me back.

I am exceedingly thankful to have joined a team that had exposure to gay athletes before me. These individuals, along with incredible team captains who serve as allies, all toiled diligently to cultivate a zero-tolerance environment for homophobia. Nonetheless, not all teams in the NCAA are like this. It is the subtle, homophobic remarks that accumulate within a team environment, which magnifies the idea that being gay diminishes you and that being gay is linked to weakness. This is what necessitates an end. It's acceptable to possess a sexual orientation that deviates from the norm and still be tough as nails and one of the premier athletes in the United States. In order to dismantle these stereotypes, we must establish a culture that will empower more athletes to distinguish themselves and reveal themselves authentically. Most importantly, we must cease employing derogatory homophobic slang in our sports culture to describe weakness. There is a high probability of an abundance of closeted athletes being restrained by fear to be authentic, and we require greater visibility of NCAA athletes to facilitate a transformation in this sports culture.

We also necessitate NCAA schools adopting LGBTQ-inclusive policies and practices. Implementing these policies conveys a transparent message to LGBTQ athletes that they are welcomed and embraced. Observing individuals similar to me pursuing the most elite level of their sport is what enabled me to discover my own identity and accept myself. For instance, LA Galaxy soccer player Robbie Rogers shared his story in his book, which aided me tremendously on my own personal journey. USA national team gymnast Josh Dixon paved the way for acceptance in men's gymnastics as one of the only openly gay gymnasts at his level. Most importantly, my own teammate and Big Ten Champion, Jake Martin, contributed to transforming the team culture at Ohio State and fostering an environment of acceptance and respect. These are the figures I will forever be thankful for due to their visibility and the route they provided to make matters easier for individuals like myself. I am incredibly appreciative for the acceptance I received from my parents and sister to be authentically myself. Their support allowed me to release the burden that held me back from attaining my true potential. I am also grateful for my teammates and coaches for helping to cultivate an environment of acceptance at Ohio State.

For any individual or any athlete who may be wrestling with the notion of coming out or self-acceptance, irrespective of circumstances, you are worthy, and you are valuable. Your sexuality does not define your identity, and one day you will grasp that it is a gift and not a curse. Surround yourself with individuals who cherish you for who you are and take a stance against injustice and homophobia. For individuals who are members of a team, be mindful of the language you employ and what it's promoting. Upon entering your athletic facility, leave any negative values you may have at the threshold and unify as one with your team to achieve the highest level of team success. Stand up against homophobic culture and be the reason why someone feels comfortable in his or her sport.

Thank you.

&8211; Joey

You can find Joey on Instagram at @JoeyBonanno