Gay men with small penises

'Are you hung/XL'?

If you're a gay man, the likelihood is high that this question has influenced a considerable portion of your Grindr experiences. While presented casually, this question perpetuates the harmful stereotype regarding penile size, particularly in male-male sexual encounters, and frequently causes feelings of inadequacy, discomfort, or a sense of unattractiveness.

Regardless of one's actual penile size relative to the average, the anxiety-ridden perceptions of oneself can vary considerably. Body image issues are serious, and mental well-being merits careful consideration, as underscored by Dr. Sam Miles, a social science research fellow at the London School of Hygiene and Tropical Medicine.

Personal preferences are commonplace. However, as Dr. Miles suggests, certain preferences become entrenched and amplified through repeated exposure in media, such as pornography and dating applications. This phenomenon may, unfortunately, lead to the exclusion of individuals perceived as 'different' in terms of physical attributes, personal characteristics, and identity.

In the context of male-male hook-up culture, the fear of rejection, the postponement of sexual activity, and, in some cases, the complete avoidance of sexual relationships, are all potential consequences. Despite these real-world issues, the subject of penis size is frequently presented in a lighthearted, often inappropriate, manner in popular culture, as demonstrated in this recent piece from the Guardian.

In an effort to dispel harmful stereotypes and provide a more nuanced portrayal, here are four men with smaller penises who have shared their experiences of discrimination and the emotional toll it takes.

'I asked if everything was OK, and my hookup said: ‘Only men with big cocks can fuck me''

When I was single, I felt permanently rejected by men due to my appearance, penile size, and physique. These feelings ultimately culminated in feelings of self-disgust that I am still confronting.

Thankfully, I have a supportive partner who accepts and loves me for who I am. I sometimes make light of my penile size; asking questions such as 'Is this a problem? Would you rather I had a larger one?' or my frequently used phrase: 'I wish I was built like you.' My partner's unwavering affection helps me accept myself, appreciate the characteristics I do possess.

This wasn't always the case. In 2013, I encountered a man who repeatedly questioned my penile size. While I attempted to maintain an air of mystery, a desire to please the prospective partner, who embodied a specific fantasy, drove my responses. I'm a visual person, therefore I dispatched several images, ensuring that my erection was clearly visible from a flattering angle. My intent was to offer honest and unadulterated snapshots of my physique.

He came over in the evening following his workday, mirroring the traits that attracted me. We began undressing, but I kept my trousers on, initiating oral sex on his penis. He enthusiastically pulled me toward him, demanding complete disrobing. Anxious about the build-up of anticipation from our earlier exchanges, I quickly removed my clothes. He inspected my physique and, without hesitation, expressed a desire to have intercourse, and I complied.

Following the act, I inquired about his satisfaction, to which he replied, 'Yes, but I wish you had not misrepresented your penile size. You are not adequately endowed; you are not sufficiently sizable. Only men with substantial penises can satisfy me.' I was utterly dumbfounded, and I wish I could have emphatically refuted his judgment, but the reality is that I simply left silently.

- Luke, three inches

'I see myself as a top, which makes having a smaller penis even tougher'

In the gay community, I identify as a top, compounding the challenges posed by a smaller penis. It's peculiar how the query of 'low endowment' is rarely directed at a similarly affected straight man; instead, suggestions like 'have you considered bottoming instead?' are offered. However, bottoming is not a viable option for me.

The common sentiment of "there are other ways to enjoy sex" is unhelpful when one desires to engage in sexual activity.

Several months ago, I sought the services of an escort to address a lengthy period of sexual abstinence. We enjoyed several dates, recreating the experience of a romantic relationship. This experience helped reignite some of the self-confidence I had lost due to continual rejection.

Regrettably, one of our planned dates fell through. When I contacted him, he explained that he wasn't truly enjoying the encounter because he was experiencing difficulty, and he would prefer not to continue. This resulted in a significant setback to my self-assurance.

The inherent challenges faced by a top with a smaller penis extend beyond scoring initial hookups. Often, a visible erection is a requirement for some men, while others may look for someone who can compensate for a perceived inadequacy. As such, I frequently encounter challenges in securing hookups, as I tend to be dismissed from Grindr right after sending a photo of my physique. - Jeff, four inches

'A guy said I felt ‘weird.' After that, I was back to never even trying to get intimate with strangers'

For a considerable period, I perceived myself to have a small penis; unaware of the possibility of intersex variation.

In my case, I was born with XY chromosomes, however, my penis was deemed too small, necessitating corrective surgery from the age of four months.

Throughout my childhood, I viewed my penis as small, and I was frequently puzzled by the doctors' interest in it. I was unfamiliar with the implications and was led to believe that it was a sensitive topic that shouldn't be discussed; hence, shame and embarrassment prevailed.

Phalloplasty was presented to me as a path to a 'normal' body, yet the surgery was merely a cosmetic procedure, utilizing my forearm to create the appearance of a regular penis. I also have a surgically implanted prosthetic device that is intended to be inflated for sexual encounters. The fact that my original penis was viewed as unacceptable and inadequate continues to weigh on me.

Interactions with potential sexual partners frequently resulted in a reaction of surprise or interest. One instance stands out - a casual encounter that ended with a fleeting comment of 'feeling weird.' Following that exchange, I largely avoided all sexual contact with strangers.

Social expectations consistently emphasize the importance of penile size and physical appearance. This creates a scenario where individuals who do not conform to societal standards of 'average' are deemed less attractive or desirable. Such a viewpoint is comparable to societal biases regarding skin tone.

Therapy has been attempted to address body image concerns, however, relating to my unique situation presented challenges. I sincerely hope that society will cease to judge men based on attributes they cannot control. We are multifaceted individuals; we should not be reduced to mere physical attributes. Each person deserves to love and respect themselves; this is especially difficult in a society that disparages certain body types or physical features, whether or not they are considered 'banter.' - Vihaan, two inches

'He told me I was too small to fuck him good and it wasn&8217;t worth it. I ran as far back into the closet as I could'

My discomfort with my physique stems from both my weight and a perceived small penis. I'm approximately three and a half inches tall, but I believe that further weight loss would enhance my measurements.

During my late twenties, I began to emerge from my shell and increase my sense of self-worth. I considered coming out as gay, and a chance encounter at a concert led to a flirtation with another man, which culminated in a sexual encounter in a restroom stall. At this point, I had not engaged in any sexual activity with a man, although I enjoyed erotic content and fiction.

Driven by the desire for sexual interaction, the man quickly led me to a restroom stall and initiated intimate contact. Initially, I was enthusiastic; however, as my trousers were removed, his facial expression altered dramatically. He conveyed his dissatisfaction with my size, deeming the interaction inappropriate and not worth his time. He nevertheless proceeded to have oral sex on me. This deeply hurt me.

His words crushed my confidence, leading to shame and anger. I retreated back into my shell, avoiding any further sexual interactions with men or contemplating coming out.

These days, I often delay any form of intimate interaction until later dates. Even if there are men who are initially enthusiastic about seeing me, after sexual interaction, they frequently opt to end the relationship. Only one relationship lasted longer than a month, only to be terminated because of incompatibility in the desire for larger penises.

Names have been changed. If you have been affected by this article, please contact Mind, the mental health charity for men at mind.org.uk/ or seek support from other gay men in your community.

@adamzx